Caturday’s Astrophenia | Quickie Review: The Witch

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G’day! My friends and I went out for a terrific lunch at a wonderful local Thai restaurant, and then decided to see a movie afterwards.

We saw The Witch first…our mistake. It wasn’t just the plot; there wasn’t one to speak of, though here’s its sorry excuse for one: Puritan father William and his family get booted out of the safe confines of their New England settlement, moving to the wilderness to start their own farm. But the wilderness is home to a witch, who steals the family’s newborn baby and does horrible things to it before slowly picking off the remaining family members throughout the movie, aided by her dark witchy magics and an evil goat named “Black Phillip.” All of them, including William, in pointlessly shocking scene after pointlessly shocking scene, but sparing his rebellious teenage daughter Thomasina, who, now corrupted by the Vile Powers of Darkness™ of the local wood, follows Black Phillip into the wilderness, naked, and joins the witch and her coven as a witch herself.

Ho Hum.

It wasn’t just the gore and lack of any real plot.

The movie also suffered from the horrific abuse of the poor tortured violins used in its score, the mangled cries of which merely grated on the nerves rather than accentuate the horror.

I found myself leaving the theatre auditorium several times to relieve the monotony of the gratuitous witchy nudity scenes and gore as the 90 minute movie dragged on, feeling rather like a full two hours of my life I’ll never get back. I found it disturbing, and not in an entertainingly haunting horror-film way.

I would better enjoy getting abducted by aliens. At least then, I could play a game of twenty questions with the alien captain and learn something cool, just before nicking a page from his logbook as evidence.

If you value your time: Don’t. See. The. Witch. If it weren’t for the lack of plot, tiresome nudity, and pointless gore, I may have given it better marks for ‘historical’ research effort, but I cannot guarantee even that.

To paraphrase a friend who saw it with me, it’s worth maybe a negative five-star rating at best. For a better investment of viewing time, see Deadpool instead.


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